Permission Slip

Relationship Status: Collecting Writing Material  till the arrival of the next Love of My Life

You called me last night. Amid the pleasantries you asked if I had any regrets.

“Well…if I had known how it would end, I would have done more fucking.”

It’s the story of my life; my freedom lies in hindsight. If I had known how it would end, I wouldn’t have wasted so much time worrying about it ending. I would have enjoyed the ride.

If cigarettes were my thing, I’d be smoking right now. He is not You. I drink in his outline against the moon’s gaze intruding the open window. I prefer the heat. I like to sweat. I do not know this man. Not the way I know You. But we dance as if we’ve known each other forever. We wake as if we’ve never met.

You told me to live a little. You dared me to stop blindly speaking what I “deserve” and admit what I want.

Dammit, I deserve the world. All I want are my nails along his back. I do not know this man. I should want more. I deserve the world. I should not be satisfied. But if cigarettes were my thing, I’d be smoking right now.

I asked if this was ok for me to want. You said I was too old to think I need to ask permission to live. I deserve what I want. What I want now is breakfast. But not with him.

My mind drifts to my favorite scene in “Girl, Interrupted” . Her Man offers to take her away from all this. She responds by telling him everything she wants out of life. “But not with you. Not with You.” I thought she was crazy. Maybe I’m crazy now, too.

There’s a hand trailing up my thigh. “I thought I put you to bed”, I chuckle. We do this so well.

And if I’d known how it would end… I would have done more fucking.

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