It’s amazing what you learn of a person by watching them just before they wake.
If you’ve ever had speech training most teachers will tell you; if you want to find your real speaking voice, you have to take a gulp. The first words that come out immediately after will be in your unadulterated voice. That momentary pause, that push inward, before opening up to your purest self-that is the moment right before you wake. I’d wait for it every time You’d sleep over. Your eyes would open and for the briefest moment I could see Your heart. Then the wall would seal and we’d be right back where we started.
I’d fallen for a love-chaser, and it was over before it began. Because I don’t fall in love. I Step In.
I watched as you waited. Kept me at arms length, waiting for the “boom”. Waiting to be blown away by a gravity so strong it would drag you kicking and screaming out of your fortress and smack you blindsided with Love. Waiting for it to call you, waiting for it to save you. Waiting for it to want to make you be better. I watched, waiting for you to show up and walk forward. Through the days taken up with banter, and nights falling asleep on the phone like teenagers. Mornings spent tracing the lines of your body with my fingers, drinking in your scent so as I would not forget it when you were gone. Off to chase the fleeting feeling you convince yourself is real Love. Because you need to fall. And I only Step In.
I step in. I step in because I need to choose. I need to be chosen. Explored. Shown up for. I cannot trust Love as a feeling. For me to stay I need Love to be the verb that makes you learn me. The daily commitment to be there tomorrow. The firmly planted feet that weather storms. My light brings you here. Your feet make you stay. Your choice lets you build.
Perhaps it was your first Great Love that blindsided you; since that time you have waited to be gobsmacked by Love once more. Never realizing you have never been open since. Never noting the specific day you Chose Her. Never choosing since. Never trusting a glance, never building on a spark, never meeting eyes for too long, too deep. Eyes softening only for the briefest seconds, and only ever when saying goodbye. Taking in moments you could handle while you waited for your cue to soar. But I know there is no cloud the feeling of Love can carry you on forever; it will rain.
I cannot be here.
I do not want you to be suspended by my Love. I want you to be rooted in it. I need you to own this decision, for better, worse or spectacular failure. This cannot be “fate”. You will not blame this on the Universe. You will not walk with the false sense of peace brought on by the abject refusal to play a part in your own story. You will not float. You will fuck up, and you will own it. Or not.
I cannot be here.
I cannot carry you. I cannot make you complete. I cannot bring you to life. I cannot be your sun. You say only the brave allow themselves to fall. I say only the bravest own their steps. You want a Love that will forever inspire you to chase; you need a Love that makes you still.
And I wait.
Wait for you to show up. Wait for you to cross the moat. I wait. But you only fall in Love, and I Step In.
So I Step Out…
**Photo Credit, DeviantArt