The Monster; #30Layers30Days Challenge Day 27

DAY 27 // LURKING

What is the elephant in the room of your mind?  What issue, big or small, are you avoiding because you feel you don’t have the time or energy to deal with it?  Even if you don’t take action on it right now, writing about it will keep you self-aware.  When we ignore parts of ourselves, those parts act out in our lives in subtle ways.

 “I don’t think there’s anything I can do to shake your confidence.”

I guffawed internally. I was in the middle of airing out my grievances to a potential suitor, one of them being his spotty attempts to make plans. I had joked that his perceived reluctance to see me was giving me a complex.

I may have only been half-joking.

Whether it’s due to my wit or background in sales, somehow I have developed a reputation for being a person that holds myself in high regard. I have not one clue how that happened. Maybe it’s cause I save my crying for the shower? Maybe it’s because I save my complaints for my journal? Me no know. But what I do know is every day I am anxious about something, and it’s due to this irrational fear that I’m going to be found out. Because I’m really full of shit.

I swear, this is an actual thought.

I dance around relationships because somehow I think he’s going to realize that I don’t have that much going for me. I take pictures from the same side because somebody one day is going to figure out I’m not that cute.I don’t bring a bunch of people to my house because they will learn that it’s only 3/4 furnished. My house is 3/4 furnished because I’m certain I’m not going to live there long. I don’t plant my feet, I don’t claim victories, I don’t brag on interviews, I don’t charge as much as I should for my consulting services-all because I swear someone’s going to pop my big ass balloon after finding out all I’m filled with is hot air.

Does it sound crazy to you yet? Listen, I gotta get this out.

I am literally laughing hysterically as I type this. I know this is ridiculous. I’ve won pageants. I’ve spoken in public settings for years. I have a Miss America and over $100,000 worth of scholarships awarded to my titleholders in my history. I’m a damn good host. I’m a great cook. I was published at 16. I’m well-traveled and figured out how to do it on my dime. Everything I’ve tried to do I’ve gone in blind with zero experience, and I can figure my way through damn near anything. I’m pretty, I’m witty, I’m intelligent and I can prove anyone wrong that doesn’t believe it.

Except me.

It’s the monster under my bed. It’s what I go to sleep with every night. It’s what’s on my shoulder every time I want to put my foot down. It asks me how dare I have standards. Why should I ask for that. Why don’t I just accept what’s given. How can I think I deserve to ask for more. Why would he want to be around me, anyway. Do you really think someone’s going to listen to you. Every. Day. Every day. Every. Damn. Day.

Whew.

I don’t have a neat ending for this one, either…but somehow getting it out makes a world of difference. So, even if you don’t do it here, do it for yourself. Write down whatever the hell it is you think is “ain’t shit” about you. And read it out loud. And have a good belly laugh. Then dammit, move on.

And yes, I’m talking to myself, here.

Conceived by GG Rene of AllTheManyLayers.com, the #30Layers30Days Challenge dares writers to dig deep with thoughtful daily inspirations meant to promote introspective thought and mindful journal practice. I will be posting my more inspired entries from the daily challenges. You can follow the #30Layers30Days hashtag on Twitter and Instagram, or follow GG Rene at @ggrenewrites.

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